Satire: Reasons for the Polar Shift – Revealed!

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rhino…Hold on to your seat, folks; we are in for a new awakening!

  I’m about to tell ya what the Mayans and ancient prophets never knew…
Pay no attention to the scientists, as they seem to become more clueless by the day.
If you fear that the end is coming, think not, as there is still hope, if we act fast!

  No, I’m not charging you $19.95 for a secret pamphlet that reveals all the answers via all-knowing knowledge of nothingness, as what I’m about to tell ya came from the greatest prophet known to man, which is a French Fry guy at McDonald’s that took a couple hits of LSD during the process! Yes, true awakening is at hand…

I keep hearing all of this talk about an upcoming Polar Shift at the end of 2012 and how the ultimate Doomsday is upon us…

Well, let me explain, and without you paying me anything, the true global secrets shall be revealed!

Put down your Big Macs and say “hold” on the super-sized french fries at your local fast-food joint, as that is part of the freakin’ problem!
Excessive amounts of lipids got you down? Well, Mother Nature feels the same way…

Ya see, dear mortals, the upcoming Polar Shift is not due to some cosmic event or from some gravitational misalignment by way of Planet X, Planet Nibiru, Eris or some other foreign celestial body of mass heading this way, it is simply because of the “weight displacement theory” of mankind.

As we should all know, obesity is a big problem in America and in a lot of other areas in the Northern Hemisphere, and things are about to turn on its side in due time!
The large mammals from the southern hemisphere like the Hippos, Elephants, Rhinoceroses, etc., have been acting as a counterbalance for thousands of years. …And now that the American diet has plagued not only America, of course, it has also spread to China, Europe, etc.
Well, you see, we got too much weight up here on the Northern Hemisphere, folks!
Even the mighty land mammals down south, are having a hard time balancing this thing out!
Please, back away from the table, fellow gluts; put the fork down, and start eating less junk, folks, before we turn the deserts into the arctic tundra, and the jungle into barren land!

We have this globe-like thingy, an Earth, if ya will, that spins life around the sun at a constant rate. Mother Nature is awesome in all its glory, but has never been able to grow candy bars, pies, and cakes from the ground, for example. Humans constantly make these things SHE cannot, which pisses her off, so Mother Nature factors in the French Fry guy’s “polar shift via weight displacement theory” from a local McDonald’s, and she is thinking about making it happen. She says, “look, dear bitches, bastards and beloved heathens, along with the lovely gluts and flatulent fucks, if ya keep eating what I don’t provide, I’m going to let this thing shift as it wants; it is your world and so be it.”

Well, ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. The reasons for the possible Polar Shift has been revealed!
You didn’t need to go to Bible college, study ancient history or have a science degree after all, just a little common sense about weight displacement and obesity… We got too much weight up here on the top half of the planet, so please treat those Elephants, Rhinos, and other large mammals down south, with a little extra care, eh? …As they are the only beings that are currently keeping the possible polar shift and erratic Earth wobble, somewhat in check; cheers! LOL!

3 Responses to “Satire: Reasons for the Polar Shift – Revealed!”

  1. […] and a lot of other verbiage concerning global disasters,  mega earthquakes, storms, solar flares, a polar shift, and the […]

  2. […] I’m not here to talk about a polar shift or cosmic alignments and I’m not here to ramble about global warming and the human input […]

  3. […] once wrote a web page that was a parody about the polar shift, and it involved a humorous weight displacement theory along with a proportional imbalance from the […]

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